The hiatus ends NOW

Ok fuck this shit, I am going to post again. Yes. Dammit. Anways. Prepare yourself for several posts in which I combine "What I Did On My Summer Vacation"-type newlettering with heretofore undreamed-of levels of introspection. Because this is my blog, where it is All About Me.

So yeah. Life's been marching on. The first two weeks of May I had exams, which were not all that bad, amazingly enough. I can't even express how much difference there was between this time and the two and a half weeks of dark bloody hell first semester. Not that it was, like, a walk in the park this time. It was two weeks of pretty much continuous labor, punctuated by occasional three-hour sessions of super-intense typing while my body released all the adrenaline in its possession (aka the actual exams). The whole two weeks, I basically consumed nothing but Gatorade, energy bars, and half-assed banana smoothies (take a sixteen ounce cup. Mash half a banana therein. Pour in vanilla yoghurt and milk. Mix; consume). And I didn't eat very much of that stuff, even, given that somewhere near the beginning of the experience I developed the Canker Sore of the Century on the inside of my cheek, right beside my next-to-last molars. It measured a full centimeter across at its worst, and believe me I wish I was exaggerating there. While I had the canker sore I also thought I was developing cavities in the upper and lower molars on that side, and also that the joint in my jaw was going to fucking disconnect from my head, it hurt so bad, but it turned out later that these symptoms were just the pain of the canker sore radiating all over that side of my head. Man, that fucker hurt. So eating was basically an entirely medicinal activity consisting of trying to get enough calories into my stomach without letting them touch the inside of my mouth with their assorted sugars and (ohhh the pain) acids.

Then came the last day. Last motherfucking final of the accursed first year. I was just completely drained afterwards, as was everyone. Didn't have much of the "oh fuck this let's start drinking NOW" of the end of last finals. Maybe because it went so much better this time; last time was fucking bleak despair that means all you can do is be inordinately filled with empty jubilation that just at least it's over, at least you get a few weeks rest from fucking it up.

But this time after the last exam I had a different feeling. Calmer, less frantic. I was tired, and I did have the kind of adrenaline-letdown exhaustion that makes your mind go all quiet and blank and your movements slow down. But it was peaceful, at least somewhat. Because I knew: this time I'd done the best I could, or at least much closer to it. That's a misleading way to put it; "the best that I could" is said in many ways. I did the best I could first semester, too, in the sense that I sure as fuck tried as hard as I could. But the whole time, I had this despairing knowledge that trying as hard as I could wasn't doing any good. Like being stuck in neutral, or one of those dreams where all your motions are agonizingly slow. But this time was different. It wasn't perfect. I've still got a long way to go; there's a learning curve to knowing how to use your will once it actually has something approaching effective control over you. But still...the difference was like night and day, or like a dream and waking.

But so anyways. I did go out that night, and ended up having a really good time. I don't hate the other law students; they're way different from me, yeah, but that doesn't mean they're bad people. Or even people that I have nothing in common with, especially when we're all getting pleasantly intoxicated together after finals. So it was a really good night.